Is your child suddenly a hurricane of emotions? Does it seem that
his or her mood shifts with the wind? Are you afraid that he or she
is showing more anger or frustration than you deem appropriate or
normal for minor incidents?
Rest assured, anger is a normal emotion for all young children to
experience. While anger can cause a great deal of stress for those
who become targets, such as parents and siblings, it actually plays
a positive role in human development, according to Dr. Virginia
Shiller, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of the book
Rewards for Kids! Ready-to-Use Charts & Activities for Positive
Parenting.
"Anger motivates people to assert themselves and get their needs
met. And over time, anger can be channeled into fighting for causes
important to family, friends, and community. In the long run, if
you don't have a little fight in you, you may be less likely to
rise to positions of responsibility and influence," says Dr.
Shiller.
However, for anger to become a positive force, children must learn
to express it in socially appropriate ways. Parents play a critical
role in this socialization process. "They can both model healthy
and appropriate ways of expressing anger and can intervene in
constructive ways when children show hurtful anger," Dr. Shiller
explains.
Teachable Moments
Parents often have an opportunity to intervene when their children
express anger, says Dr. Shiller. If children fight with siblings or
friends over toys and push or hit to get their way, parents can
turn this negative situation into a positive learning experience.
By teaching children better ways of getting their needs met-such as
taking turns and learning to share-parents guide children towards
more constructive anger management. Parents can even role-play as a
playmate and have children practice requesting to share toys.
If there is a situation developing between young kids, parents can
step in and redirect the interaction before a struggle ensues.
"Explain to the child why he can't poke the baby in her eye, while
calmly and gently pulling the baby away. Try not to be angry with
the child's feelings so that you both can separate emotions from
behavior. Suggest other ways to deal with the situation that
angered the child," says Debra Gilbert Rosenberg, licensed clinical
social worker, psychotherapist, and author of The New Mom's
Companion: Care for Yourself While You Care for Your Newborn.
While the goal is to curb the unacceptable behavior, such as
violence and tantrums, parents should keep in mind that they don't
want to prevent the child from feeling anger at all. It further
helps for parents to recognize their child's negative emotion and
verbalize what they think their young child is feeling-especially
if he can't. For example, a parent could say, "You are very angry
that Joey took that toy away from you." Then follow up with a
suggestion of what the child can do now, such as, "Let's go find
another toy for you to play with."
"Most parents of toddlers already know that saying 'use your words'
to an angry child will encourage him to express his feelings rather
than resort to physical means, and that's a great approach,"
Gilbert Rosenberg says.
Parents might also set up an incentive plan that provides modest
rewards for children who ask to take turns or share instead of
punching or grabbing, Dr. Shiller adds. This in the long run can
help motivate children to work harder at turn-taking.
If parents really feel that their child's angry outbursts are out
of control, constant, violent and/or potentially dangerous, seeking
outside help can be wonderful, says Gilbert Rosenberg. "Parents may
be reassured to find out that their child is perfectly normal, but
they may also discover that added support and guidance are
essential to the family."
Finding Solutions
Christine D'Amico, personal coach and author of The Pregnant
Woman's Companion, notes that parents can constructively help kids
deal with anger by not shaming them or telling them that their
anger is wrong. Children need to learn how to recognize what makes
them angry and then respond constructively.
D'Amico notes that it's futile to try to reason with your child
when he or she is in the heat of anger. "Let them blow off some
steam first. You can let them do that wherever they happen to be
when they get mad. You can send them to their room to blow off
steam. Or you can sit with them while they express their anger,"
she explains. Once the child has calmed down, D'Amico suggests you
talk with him about what made him mad. Help him see all sides of
the situation. Try to come up with a new option together-one that
meets the needs of everyone in the situation. She says parents can
also discuss how the child expressed his or her anger. Tell him
that what he did was not good behavior and he did not treat himself
or others with respect.
Reading books about characters dealing with anger can also help
children understand that they are not alone in their feelings. When
I Wished I Was Alone, written and illustrated by Dave Cutler, is a
good example. The book is about a boy who is very angry, and the
story discusses what anger feels like and how to deal with it.
Parents can use the book as a starting point to talk about anger
with their own children.
Parental Control
Although many parents don't realize it, they provide role models
for how their children deal with anger. "If parents scream at each
other, call people cruel names, yell at the kids, and throw
tantrums or furniture, their children will learn that flying off
the handle is an acceptable way to manage anger," Gilbert Rosenberg
says.
She suggests that parents learn to manage their own anger and, on
occasion, allow their children to see how anger is expressed
appropriately (however, it should be pointed out that children
should not witness fights between spouses often). If children see
their parents express anger without name-calling or physical
violence, then they will learn to do the same.
"Parents play a huge role," says D'Amico. "They teach their
children what is OK or not OK in expressing anger or frustration.
Parents do this by what they say, as well as by what they do
themselves when they are angry," she continues. "We model both how
to be angry and how to respond to anger. Our children often copy us
in their own angry behaviors."
"It's rare to see children whose anger is uncontrollable in
families where anger is shared in constructive, non-hurtful ways,"
Gilbert Rosenberg concludes. "Parents can show children that they
love someone and still disagree with them or get angry with them in
a loving way. This is an invaluable lesson."
Lisa B. Samalonis writes from Gloucester Township, NJ, where
she lives with her husband and two sons. She frequently writes on
health and parenting topics. Lisa also writes family-oriented
essays for regional and national magazines. This article is kindly
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