What are some common causes of unhappiness and depression in
mums?
- The overwhelming responsibility of being a mother and having a
baby to take care of.
- A husband who is often not available to help leaving you
emotionally easily upset.
- An unnecessary and/or unwanted medical intervention such as
induction or forceps during labour or bottle feeds after
birth.
- Learning to breastfeed which is made to feel a problem rather
than a learned process.
- A variety of negative comments made by hospital staff, health
professionals, family, friends, and strangers. These comments may
be in relation to baby, the way you cope, your parenting style, the
state of your house, decisions you make such as staying home/going
to work, bottle or breastfeeding, control crying/settling by
rocking, soothing or feeding etc
- A feeling that you are not quite yourself.
- Being unbelievably tired and exhausted.
- Thinking that it should be different, that others are coping
and there is something wrong with you for not having it all be
worked out
Some ways to identify if you are at risk or are suffering from
depression
- Depression is one of the many emotions experienced by normal
and healthy mums.
- Being a Mother is enormously overwhelming, especially given the
lack of acknowledgement by others for our experiences, and also
that our society does not value mothers or families very
highly.
- Mothers are likely to experience the full range of emotions
including frustration, anger, resentment, anxiety, guilt and worry,
helpless, hopeless, and depressed or sad feelings.
- All these feeling are valid.
If you feel any of these emotions are getting on top of you or
are not normal for you, you can get help - it is not forever, an
illness, necessarily require medication, or necessarily PND.
Some suggested strategies mums could use to deal with everyday
situations are:
- Get some sleep - it is only something that you learn when you
are really at the end of your tether, however it is far more
proactive and sensible to sleep well during the night - get to bed
earlier if you are waking for night feeds or to children who are
unsettled at night; have a 30 minute catnap during the day - find a
warm sunny spot in your home, curl up and have a snooze whilst the
kids are asleep or resting.
- You can try to discuss how you are feeling with close family or
friends, or professionals who would listen to you and not judge
you.
- Ask friends and family to share their experiences of mothering
with you.
- Identify your feelings during the day. Quieten them down as you
would a young child who is upset. Do not shut them out or ignore
them - this is not recommended but often practised in our
society.
- Choose how you want to feel. Vividly imagine it and make a 100%
conscious effort to feel that way. Ensure that any stressful
feelings have been quietened down and are not being repressed,
ignored or shut out.
- Accept that it is normal and expected that you feel this way.
Check your self talk negative comments including:
- "I hate feeling this way - it's not normal",
- "Other normal mums aren't like this",
- "Why do I feel this way - what is wrong with me",
- "My kids deserve a better mum".
- It is much better to accept that you have these thoughts and
feelings, that they are a part of your personality along with all
the other positive qualities and feelings and thoughts you have.
Each one of us has many positive and some undesirable
qualities.
- If you 'fail' in your mind, start again. See life as a series
of 5 minute blocks. One problem in one 5 minute block can be dealt
with, or 'dropped, forgiven and forgotten', so it does not drag
into and affect the next 5 minute block. This is easier done if you
can calm down rather than being out of control with your
emotion.
- Being a Mother does not always come naturally even though you
naturally love, look after and protect your children. We can,
however create the way we want to react and be as mums.
- Focus on how you want to remember yourself in 50 years
time.
- See your emotions as having a dial than can be turned down a
little.
- If you are feeling depressed, soothe yourself and focus on what
you are good at. Resist the urge to switch back instantaneously to
negative chitter chatter. Notice the urge and train yourself to
choose to focus on the positive. This will take about a month to
practice every day!
- If you are feeling anxious or worried, write things down on a
list, turn down the dial and feel that you can get over this
situation. Focus on a high energy task such as getting dinner
ready, walking to the park, or tidying the house for example.
- If you are feeling frustrated or angry, focus on the fact that
only you can change the angry feeling, it is not good for you,
staying angry gets you angrier as it is a vicious cycle. See if you
can focus on the event that you think 'got you angry'.
Here is a list of tips that can help you maintain a happy
relationship with your child
Remember to focus on the positive. Keep a ratio of 5 positive
experiences for every one negative. It is easier said than done,
but try and make it your mission.
- Think of all the really nice things about your children and
your relationship with them.
- Get on the floor and play with them 100% - do not think about
the dishes or the dinner. Spend just 5 entire minutes being a
kid.
- Look at your children with your eyes and create a memory of
them to remember .
- Understand their feelings. Remember that when we think they are
being 'naughty', uncooperative', annoying or whatever, it is often
us getting annoyed at them not doing what we want them to do. Who
decided that we were right?? However, being the mum or the dad, we
do need to make the decisions, but we can make better ones if we
quieten down our anger. E.g., instead of screaming at them for
spilling the juice, we can quieten down our frustration, and look
at how we want to deal with the situation. We can wipe it
ourselves, change drink container so it is spill proof, sit with
our child, ask our child to help clean mess, etc, etc.
- Find two positive things per day to enjoy with your children,
and make them small things. This can include things like looking at
them hold their fork during dinner and watch their fingers curl
around the fork; play a game of hide and seek with them.
- Remember that the day will still pass, that children will do
lots of things that potentially annoy or please us. Even if we are
wired to be agitated or stressed, we can still do all the things we
do in the day with more happiness and satisfaction and less yelling
and stress if we calm down the chitter chatter in our minds and
quieten down our strong emotions. So, for example, we can make
breakfast in a robot like stressed fashion, or in a peaceful
nurturing mode depending on the frame of mind we want to have.
- Often many of my older clients will tell me it is the smallest
things that make life worthwhile. The rest is filler. We can learn
from this wisdom and life experience.
This article has been kindly written by Betty Chetcuti,
Psychologist (BBSc (Hons.), MEdPysch, MAPS), Wife & Mother of three!